*Joe Goldberg voice*

"So. They said you're a world-class defender. But they've only seen the Premier League, haven't they. They said Pep Guardiola wanted you... But they didn't know any better. It happened with Alexis Sanchez... With Fred... With Cristiano Ronaldo. But it's okay... We can fix that. We can fix... you."

This is what I imagine went through director of football Jon Rudkin's mind as Leicester City stood firm on their £80m valuation of Harry Maguire when Manchester United came calling three years ago. Naturally, Man United coughed up the fee with Guardiola's Man City breathing down their necks.

And so, Maguire joined Aaron Wan-Bissaka (£45m) as the two fresh names that would slot straight into Man United's revamped back four.

In and of themselves those decisions weren't very dumpster-fire.

At the Etihad this past weekend, though, Man United's defending as a team looked a little something like this scene in Community.

Each of those four goals was comical in its own right.

For the first, Alex Telles believed pointing to Kevin De Bruyne would be enough to mark him out of the move. This, after double-teaming Jack Grealish and Bernardo Silva, to ward off danger.

The second is more WWE-ish. Phil Foden absolutely destroys Victor Lindelof, who packs his bags then and there to head back to Sweden. After putting multiple bodies on the line, Man United still end up conceding. Not a good look for that backline.

The third comes off a set-piece. Now check this out. Man United have scored the fewest goals from set-pieces this season (one) despite having a set-piece coach (Eric Ramsay, appointed back in July). Michael Carrick pointed out last month that Ramsay was appointed to improve their defending from set-pieces. Ummmm...

The fourth one is a muddled mess born out of McTominay's poor ball-playing abilities and David de Gea's botched clearance. The backline, though, is all sorts of twisted by Riyad Mahrez's run. Watch how Maguire runs into Telles when trying to defend that situation.

It's all a bit sitcom-y at the moment.

The lightning rod for all that studio laughter has been Harry Maguire.

Some of that is down to the transfer fee it took to prize him away from Leicester. Some of it's down to him being the captain of the side.

Whatever the reasons, Maguire has found himself in the middle of that scene in Community. The room's not on fire just yet (it will be if they miss out on the final Champions League spot) but it's a large order of Chaos Supreme™.

Is Maguire as bad as everyone's making him out to be? Probably not. Is he another victim of the club's lacklustre recruitment in recent (and not-so-recent) years? Probably. Does the absence of a certified holding midfielder help his case? Most certainly not.

The explanation for Man United's woes lies somewhere in the middle. No, Maguire is not a "shit" centre-back. His on-ball abilities are pretty nifty. His lack of pace and agility are significant cons but Maguire is more than a decent centre-back.

But because the club decided to make him the most expensive defender in the world (a fee surely dictated by Virgil van Dijk's £75m move to Liverpool), the expectations are Van Dijk-sized.

That said, no top team in world football at the moment is functioning without at least the semblance of a defensive structure and a defensive presence in midfield (and no, Scott McTominay isn't a DM).

Add to this the fact that Man United have very few attackers willing to track back and help out in transition, and the issue becomes much clearer.

Man United are essentially in purgatory. Their in-season goals aren't clear. The top-four spot is slipping through their grasp (with fixtures against Tottenham, Arsenal, Chelsea and Liverpool on the horizon). The holes that were in the squad in the summer are all still present.

Between these issues and the baffling leaks from the "dressing room," Man United are a hot mess.

*Joe Goldberg voice*

"But you knew that already."

You have to really *really* squint to see the silver lining, but here it is.

Having managed this squad for nearly half a season, Ralf Rangnick will be familiar with the gravity of the issues that run throughout the squad and the club as a whole, which will leave him well-placed to effect changes when he moves into his consultancy role. Don't hold your breath, though.

Until then, might I suggest watching Community, rather than this puzzling iteration of Man United?